Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Change
A lot has happened in the past few months. Sometimes I think back to when I was in high school; I wondered a lot about what I was to become. My teenage self - looking at me today - probably would have thought, "Cool, that sounds alright." Your teenage self thinks big - the career, place of residence, even how you keep up your physical appearance. They look at the resume and not the shit you had to go through to become who you are. They don't think about whether the journey is worth it. It's the end product they think of, at least it's what I thought of when I was 18.
Anyway, the past few months have brought a lot of change in my life. It's thrown me into what feels like a majorly, drawn-out acid trip. Going with the flow is not as easy as floating down a stream, or maybe floating down a stream isn't all that easy . You have to give up control to a current that can change at the first sign of a storm.
I'm no longer a practicing engineer - a change that feels right, like a new chair that cradles your butt, tailored for your ass only. I'm now a front waiter in Aspen at one of the more expensive restaurants in town. The mindless work of polishing silver and glassware is welcoming. Having to deal with a chef who is neurotic and completely out of his gourd has been one of the more demeaning experiences of my life.
Another change was falling hopelessly in love - a toxic energy that puts you in a state of euphoria with waves of hair-pulling frustration blowing by. It's a liquor that can be so comforting but can leave you feeling nauseous and absolutely miserable. We're stupid for thinking love is perfect. It takes years of upkeep and acquiring its unique taste to make it beautiful along with its imperfections.
I'm not regretting these changes. I just hope that I can recognize the right time for change again. I've lost a little of my identity, and I think change does that. I once identified myself as an engineer with no boyfriend and a loving cat. But that's no longer. Now I'm wondering what I will become again. I'm back to being young and having those feelings of excitement and optimism, as well as anxiety and fear. Change is good - I just have to remind myself at times, that's all.
Anyway, the past few months have brought a lot of change in my life. It's thrown me into what feels like a majorly, drawn-out acid trip. Going with the flow is not as easy as floating down a stream, or maybe floating down a stream isn't all that easy . You have to give up control to a current that can change at the first sign of a storm.
I'm no longer a practicing engineer - a change that feels right, like a new chair that cradles your butt, tailored for your ass only. I'm now a front waiter in Aspen at one of the more expensive restaurants in town. The mindless work of polishing silver and glassware is welcoming. Having to deal with a chef who is neurotic and completely out of his gourd has been one of the more demeaning experiences of my life.
Another change was falling hopelessly in love - a toxic energy that puts you in a state of euphoria with waves of hair-pulling frustration blowing by. It's a liquor that can be so comforting but can leave you feeling nauseous and absolutely miserable. We're stupid for thinking love is perfect. It takes years of upkeep and acquiring its unique taste to make it beautiful along with its imperfections.
I'm not regretting these changes. I just hope that I can recognize the right time for change again. I've lost a little of my identity, and I think change does that. I once identified myself as an engineer with no boyfriend and a loving cat. But that's no longer. Now I'm wondering what I will become again. I'm back to being young and having those feelings of excitement and optimism, as well as anxiety and fear. Change is good - I just have to remind myself at times, that's all.
Unraveling
I just saw this commercial of a guy pulling one hair out of his head. He kept pulling and the hair just continued in one long strand. As he pulled more and more, he started to unravel from his feet all the way to his waist... a man becoming unraveled over hair loss.
