Sunday, January 25, 2004
50 Cent, yo!
I was listening to Howard Stern this morning - he had the rapper 50 Cent on. I've heard the name but that's it. From the sound of him, he's not a very dynamic kinda guy - maybe it was too early in the morning for him. Anyway, the deal is that he was dating Vivica A. Fox (notice how when anybody says her name they always pronounce her middle initial - like there's another Vivica Fox out there and they don't want you to confuse her with Vivica B. Fox. I want to be called Carrie E. Locke from now on, because there are a couple of Carrie Lockes in the UK and I don't want to be mistaken for them. They're older and I don't want people to think I'm in my early 30's yet). Howard labeled it as the "Demi and Ashton" move. Doesn't look like they're dating anymore though - 50 Cent felt like Vivica A. Fox was using him for the publicity, so he flat out stopped calling her. He shoulda bust a cap in that ass, ya know what I'm sayin'?!
Anyway, so I was wondering what 50 Cent looks like, so I tapped into his website. He's a pretty good looking guy - and the photos make him look like a real bad ass, compared to the honky asses around here - you dig? The classic shots were all there:
- 50 Cent sporting a bullet proff vest on which rests a big-fat gold cross dangling from a heavy linked chain of gold - you know, Jesus, and all that sheeit!
- 50 Cent with his pimped-out posse in the background - pin-striped suits, feathered hats, brightly colored coats, and gold teeth amuck
- 50 Cent with the tops of panty hose on his head - Q-size (he's got a big head, yo!!)
- 50 Cent pointing a .9mm at the camara (three day waiting period? Not in the 'hood, mo' fo!!)
- 50 Cent with his shirt off, showing his tatooed and, I dare say, very chiseled body, with at least three inches of Calvin Klein underwear peeking out from the top of his low-hanging pants, standing behind shatter-proof glass inflicted with a bullet hole
- 50 Cent looking down at the camara with his arm protruding out to show off a wadful of cash in ring-littered fingers - imagine the bling, bling in those rings, rings!
- The midriff of 50 Cent (did I say chiseled? Meow!) standing in front of a nice mahogany desk cluttered with what appears to be very important documents, several stacks of dollar bills scattered across the surface - some placed on top of a fax machine - a high ball containing an amber colored liquid, and a few more .9 mm's
- Finally a close-up showing every pore in his face, while displaying a clenched jaw and pursed lips, eyes gleaming into the camara as if to say in a rapid way with a tone of threat "Whachu you lookin' at, motha fucka?" which creates kind of a paradox, doesn't it? - getting your picture taken on purpose while displaying a look that basically says "mind your own fuckin' business, biotch".
I wonder what that photo shoot was like - I mean, did he have to bring all of his props with him or did they make sure to have all the necessary artillery there? Did they have a changing room where all his different outfits were laid out, each with at least a pound of jewelry accompanying it? Can you imagine the dumbass white kid, the assistant to the photographer, helping 50 Cent change into his next outfit - the bullet proof vest? This whole scene is hilarious to me.
Anyway, I read his bio - I won't get into the details of his sad childhood and growing up in a drug infested neighborhood and all. In 1999, some album of his was produced by Columbia records and it pissed off a lot of rappers - JZ, Smelly Fingas, etc. Get this, the guy was standing outside his grandma's house and was shot 9 times - once in the face. Now I looked at his photographs in great detail, as you can probably tell from my description. In absolutely no way could I tell that the guy had been shot in the face. No scar, no crazy disfigurement that you would expect from a gun shot wound to the face - although, he doesn't show his teeth in any of the pictures - maybe his teeth were affected in some way. Or maybe the damage is on the forehead - his forehead is never shown in any of the pictures - he's always wearing a panty hose top that's pulled very close to his eyebrows. Anyway, at least he's truly representin', you dig? Growin' up in the 'hood and all.
Forgot my whole point in the last email. So no scar or nothing on 50 Cent's face. This gives me hope about my zit infested chin. I'm dropping the pill because of the side effects - the only good one being the growth of my boobs. I'm worried that all these zits will cause some pretty bad scarring, which wouldn't be sooo horrible if the love of my life and I were together forever, swimming in the ecstasy of our union where nothing like slight alterations in our appearance would affect the magic between us. But this isn't the case, so I need to hang on to what little I got before capturing the unlucky sonofabitch who falls into my trap. 50 Cent has given me hope, yo.
Anyway, so I was wondering what 50 Cent looks like, so I tapped into his website. He's a pretty good looking guy - and the photos make him look like a real bad ass, compared to the honky asses around here - you dig? The classic shots were all there:
- 50 Cent sporting a bullet proff vest on which rests a big-fat gold cross dangling from a heavy linked chain of gold - you know, Jesus, and all that sheeit!
- 50 Cent with his pimped-out posse in the background - pin-striped suits, feathered hats, brightly colored coats, and gold teeth amuck
- 50 Cent with the tops of panty hose on his head - Q-size (he's got a big head, yo!!)
- 50 Cent pointing a .9mm at the camara (three day waiting period? Not in the 'hood, mo' fo!!)
- 50 Cent with his shirt off, showing his tatooed and, I dare say, very chiseled body, with at least three inches of Calvin Klein underwear peeking out from the top of his low-hanging pants, standing behind shatter-proof glass inflicted with a bullet hole
- 50 Cent looking down at the camara with his arm protruding out to show off a wadful of cash in ring-littered fingers - imagine the bling, bling in those rings, rings!
- The midriff of 50 Cent (did I say chiseled? Meow!) standing in front of a nice mahogany desk cluttered with what appears to be very important documents, several stacks of dollar bills scattered across the surface - some placed on top of a fax machine - a high ball containing an amber colored liquid, and a few more .9 mm's
- Finally a close-up showing every pore in his face, while displaying a clenched jaw and pursed lips, eyes gleaming into the camara as if to say in a rapid way with a tone of threat "Whachu you lookin' at, motha fucka?" which creates kind of a paradox, doesn't it? - getting your picture taken on purpose while displaying a look that basically says "mind your own fuckin' business, biotch".
I wonder what that photo shoot was like - I mean, did he have to bring all of his props with him or did they make sure to have all the necessary artillery there? Did they have a changing room where all his different outfits were laid out, each with at least a pound of jewelry accompanying it? Can you imagine the dumbass white kid, the assistant to the photographer, helping 50 Cent change into his next outfit - the bullet proof vest? This whole scene is hilarious to me.
Anyway, I read his bio - I won't get into the details of his sad childhood and growing up in a drug infested neighborhood and all. In 1999, some album of his was produced by Columbia records and it pissed off a lot of rappers - JZ, Smelly Fingas, etc. Get this, the guy was standing outside his grandma's house and was shot 9 times - once in the face. Now I looked at his photographs in great detail, as you can probably tell from my description. In absolutely no way could I tell that the guy had been shot in the face. No scar, no crazy disfigurement that you would expect from a gun shot wound to the face - although, he doesn't show his teeth in any of the pictures - maybe his teeth were affected in some way. Or maybe the damage is on the forehead - his forehead is never shown in any of the pictures - he's always wearing a panty hose top that's pulled very close to his eyebrows. Anyway, at least he's truly representin', you dig? Growin' up in the 'hood and all.
Forgot my whole point in the last email. So no scar or nothing on 50 Cent's face. This gives me hope about my zit infested chin. I'm dropping the pill because of the side effects - the only good one being the growth of my boobs. I'm worried that all these zits will cause some pretty bad scarring, which wouldn't be sooo horrible if the love of my life and I were together forever, swimming in the ecstasy of our union where nothing like slight alterations in our appearance would affect the magic between us. But this isn't the case, so I need to hang on to what little I got before capturing the unlucky sonofabitch who falls into my trap. 50 Cent has given me hope, yo.
