Saturday, June 12, 2004
Power Tool Drag Races
Well, there we were with our skill saw and belt sander - Kali, the Goddess of Creation, Preservation and Destruction; Bitch on Wheels (or Cotton Tail for those watching Discovery). This weekend was the third annual Power Tools Drag Race, and it was every bit as black leathery and "Goth chick mania" that it was last year. But this time I actually participated - standing on the side lines was not an option this year. I wanted to race, and toward the end of preparing our skill saw for lightening speeds, I wanted to win.
For those of you who are not familiar with the Power Tools Drag Race phenomenon, I'll fill you in. The Power Tools Drag Race is an event held in a junkyard in San Francisco, and, just as the name suggests, it's a race between power tools. Most of the action occurs on two 75 foot long race tracks, each consisting of plywood, 12 inches wide, bordered by 2x4's There are a few classes you can enter - the super stock class, consisting of very simple designs where the power tool, itself, is not modified; the modified class where pretty much anything goes; the riding class, where people are actually insane enough to ride their contraption in which a power tool is embedded; the sex toys class (don't ask - it's never as sexy as it seems... really); and the unofficial rocket class, held when the cameras are turned off and NASA's satellites are out of range. It's as awesome as it sounds and then some. Plus there are the announcers who are fucking hilarious and extremely offensive - who could ask for a better afternoon of fun.
My team, the Drag Queens, consists of Gwen, Jen Clemente, and me . Gwen and Jen entered Bitch on Wheels last year, and she ranked pretty high - I think fourth. Bitch is more about looks than winning.
This year I wanted in on the action. Gwen and Jen accepted me as a teammate. Our plan was to have a skill saw as our second entry - last year the skill saws were the ones that had the most speed. Lucky for us, Gwen's boyfriend, Zander, has a shop that is absolutely in-fucking-credible. Zander has competed and won several times in Battle Bot's competitions. Not to mention - but I will - he won the Riding class at this year's drag race. I can't help but brag.
For approximately the last month and a half, Team Drag Queens worked diligently to prepare their second entry for this year's drag race - Kali - as I mentioned above, the Hindu goddess of Creation, Preservation, and Destruction. You see, Kali embodies the essence of a power tool. She creates by destroying, much like a chain saw cutting down trees for nice rich folks to have pretty wooden floors. She preserves life, much like a power drill used to mount the moving chair along the stair case, transporting Granndma to and from upstairs. No more breaking hips for you, Grandma!
We drilled some wheels onto Kali's frame - mostly for balancing and buffering along the sides of the track - figured out a good angle and depth for her to race, took her 18 voltage and ramped it up to 48 volts, and lastly, and most importantly, we mounted her butter cream cocoa mannequin head to the front and bolted a lizard on top of her skull for a mohawk. The Discovery channel filmed us the whole way - from our first team meeting, to the design stage (which consisted of a sketch drawn in crayons), to our creating a test track, to our drilling through metal, to my getting super glue on my lip and fumbling while screwing on nuts, to finally the race weekend.
Saturday was the elimination round, and thank the lord God that our competition forfeited both Kali's and Bitch's rounds. Kali had some wiring issues. Firstly, the stereo cord wasn't stuck in the connectors very well, and then secondly she became unplugged 3/4's of the way down the track. Bitch on Wheels did as best as she could for a belt sander - all that matters for her is that she looks good. On Sunday, Kali and Bitch raced one after the other during the first round - imagine how hurtful and disappointing it was when both of them lost to power tools that weren't nearly as cute. I couldn't believe how upset I was. The Discovery channel stuck their cameras right in our faces, asking us how we did. I looked at them in amazement - we lost, for Christ's sake. Anyway, lucky for us, it was double elimination. Since both girls lost, we were bumped to the "Losers'" bracket... whatever...
I think that Bitch and Kali felt mortified having to hob knob with losers. So they got it together. Both of them began to win round after round in the "Losers'" bracket - they just needed time to get warmed up - they didn't have a chance to primp. It was sooo uplifting and exciting to see them bobbing down the track - leaving saw dust in their competitors' faces. This time Discovery saw a pit crew that was more than happy to ham it up.
But I'm not even to the best part - Kali and Bitch go head to head. It was orgasmically bitter sweet to see our girls race against each other - reaching the climax, knowing it would be over in 2.42 seconds. It was only suitable for me to represent Bitch - after all, we were wearing matching outfits. Gwen took the lead for Kali, and we insisted that Jen be our flag girl for the race of all races. She was the flag girl for last year's event but not this year - she broke up with the guy who's in charge of the drag races. Instead, there was this scantily clad chick, who is known to be into clown porn - San Francisco has all kinds. Anyway, Jen held the green, sequined flags in the air - Gwen and I both looked at her intently. 3, 2, 1 - go!! Skill saw and belt sander shot down the track like darts from the eyes of Medusa. Kali ended up winning - it didn't matter. I actually worked on Kali, so I felt pretty proud that my screw tightening and super glueing contributed to her glory. But through it all, Bitch and I became friends, both of us finding a kindred spirit.
So our last race was against a four year old little girl and her skill saw. Something makes me think she had help with hers - grounds for immediate disqualification in my eyes, but I didn't say anything to the judges. As far as I was concerned, we reached our pinnacle. The chance to race again was merely sprinkles on a cupcake. It really doesn't matter whether the four year old little cheat won or Team Drag Queens... really, it doesn't... The point is our girls represented, yo!
Next year I think we should enter an angle grinder. They're even sexier.
For those of you who are not familiar with the Power Tools Drag Race phenomenon, I'll fill you in. The Power Tools Drag Race is an event held in a junkyard in San Francisco, and, just as the name suggests, it's a race between power tools. Most of the action occurs on two 75 foot long race tracks, each consisting of plywood, 12 inches wide, bordered by 2x4's There are a few classes you can enter - the super stock class, consisting of very simple designs where the power tool, itself, is not modified; the modified class where pretty much anything goes; the riding class, where people are actually insane enough to ride their contraption in which a power tool is embedded; the sex toys class (don't ask - it's never as sexy as it seems... really); and the unofficial rocket class, held when the cameras are turned off and NASA's satellites are out of range. It's as awesome as it sounds and then some. Plus there are the announcers who are fucking hilarious and extremely offensive - who could ask for a better afternoon of fun.
My team, the Drag Queens, consists of Gwen, Jen Clemente, and me . Gwen and Jen entered Bitch on Wheels last year, and she ranked pretty high - I think fourth. Bitch is more about looks than winning.
This year I wanted in on the action. Gwen and Jen accepted me as a teammate. Our plan was to have a skill saw as our second entry - last year the skill saws were the ones that had the most speed. Lucky for us, Gwen's boyfriend, Zander, has a shop that is absolutely in-fucking-credible. Zander has competed and won several times in Battle Bot's competitions. Not to mention - but I will - he won the Riding class at this year's drag race. I can't help but brag.
For approximately the last month and a half, Team Drag Queens worked diligently to prepare their second entry for this year's drag race - Kali - as I mentioned above, the Hindu goddess of Creation, Preservation, and Destruction. You see, Kali embodies the essence of a power tool. She creates by destroying, much like a chain saw cutting down trees for nice rich folks to have pretty wooden floors. She preserves life, much like a power drill used to mount the moving chair along the stair case, transporting Granndma to and from upstairs. No more breaking hips for you, Grandma!
We drilled some wheels onto Kali's frame - mostly for balancing and buffering along the sides of the track - figured out a good angle and depth for her to race, took her 18 voltage and ramped it up to 48 volts, and lastly, and most importantly, we mounted her butter cream cocoa mannequin head to the front and bolted a lizard on top of her skull for a mohawk. The Discovery channel filmed us the whole way - from our first team meeting, to the design stage (which consisted of a sketch drawn in crayons), to our creating a test track, to our drilling through metal, to my getting super glue on my lip and fumbling while screwing on nuts, to finally the race weekend.
Saturday was the elimination round, and thank the lord God that our competition forfeited both Kali's and Bitch's rounds. Kali had some wiring issues. Firstly, the stereo cord wasn't stuck in the connectors very well, and then secondly she became unplugged 3/4's of the way down the track. Bitch on Wheels did as best as she could for a belt sander - all that matters for her is that she looks good. On Sunday, Kali and Bitch raced one after the other during the first round - imagine how hurtful and disappointing it was when both of them lost to power tools that weren't nearly as cute. I couldn't believe how upset I was. The Discovery channel stuck their cameras right in our faces, asking us how we did. I looked at them in amazement - we lost, for Christ's sake. Anyway, lucky for us, it was double elimination. Since both girls lost, we were bumped to the "Losers'" bracket... whatever...
I think that Bitch and Kali felt mortified having to hob knob with losers. So they got it together. Both of them began to win round after round in the "Losers'" bracket - they just needed time to get warmed up - they didn't have a chance to primp. It was sooo uplifting and exciting to see them bobbing down the track - leaving saw dust in their competitors' faces. This time Discovery saw a pit crew that was more than happy to ham it up.
But I'm not even to the best part - Kali and Bitch go head to head. It was orgasmically bitter sweet to see our girls race against each other - reaching the climax, knowing it would be over in 2.42 seconds. It was only suitable for me to represent Bitch - after all, we were wearing matching outfits. Gwen took the lead for Kali, and we insisted that Jen be our flag girl for the race of all races. She was the flag girl for last year's event but not this year - she broke up with the guy who's in charge of the drag races. Instead, there was this scantily clad chick, who is known to be into clown porn - San Francisco has all kinds. Anyway, Jen held the green, sequined flags in the air - Gwen and I both looked at her intently. 3, 2, 1 - go!! Skill saw and belt sander shot down the track like darts from the eyes of Medusa. Kali ended up winning - it didn't matter. I actually worked on Kali, so I felt pretty proud that my screw tightening and super glueing contributed to her glory. But through it all, Bitch and I became friends, both of us finding a kindred spirit.
So our last race was against a four year old little girl and her skill saw. Something makes me think she had help with hers - grounds for immediate disqualification in my eyes, but I didn't say anything to the judges. As far as I was concerned, we reached our pinnacle. The chance to race again was merely sprinkles on a cupcake. It really doesn't matter whether the four year old little cheat won or Team Drag Queens... really, it doesn't... The point is our girls represented, yo!
Next year I think we should enter an angle grinder. They're even sexier.
