Wednesday, August 04, 2004
Kissing
Here's a hypothetical situation for you: say you're in some foreign country where Americans are not welcome, and you've been put in jail on trumped up charges. The jail tenders are horrible and maniacal people - if you can even call them people. They have some sort of life form chained to a pole right in front of your jail cell. This life form - let's call him Grosslinger - resembles what one can imagine as the offspring of a slimy dragon and a deformed human who had parents that consumed too much acid during pregnancy and had really bad, oozing pimples. You can tell Grosslinger is eyeing you; he's hungry - but not stomach hungry. Grosslinger winks at you and licks his slobbery lizard lips with a human tongue. He even speaks to you in English: "It's been a long time for me - since the last American." If the guards had given you any water, you would have peed your pants right then and there. Instead your mouth becomes even drier, and you sit in the furthest corner of your cell trying to think happy thoughts.
So I think I have painted a decent picture of Grosslinger for you - if such a picture can be called decent. The guards like to play games, and you're their hockey puck, football, bowling pin etc. Okay, let me get to the hypothetical part of this whole entry. You are forced to make a decision: you either have to kiss Grosslinger with his tongue in your mouth or let him feel your boobies up with his hands that have really grimy junk under his fingernails. There is no other option - well, I guess death would be an option, but who knows what's on the other side of death.
Well, I have polled several of my friends with this hypothetical situation, and all have chosen to be felt up. Of course, they all think I'm a bit on the sadistic side for even thinking of this whole convoluted situation. But I do have a point that I'm making. How is it that kissing became first base and being felt up second?
This whole topic presented itself when I went to a wedding a few months ago. Weddings are a breeding ground for the "hook up". If you're single and fairly attractive, chances are you will hook up with another fairly attractive person at the wedding, especially if booze is involved. Baptist weddings are a whole other story and a boring story at best. You see, a similar situation occurred to me at a wedding, and I mean similar - not exact for crying out loud. This guy kinda attached himself to me, and I couldn't shake him. He was nice enough and okay looking (not Grosslinger) - I just wasn't all that interested. Somehow the guy ended up in my hotel room. I was drunk; everybody was drunk. There's really no need for further explanation - besides, my girlfriends were also in the hotel room passed out or throwing up (poor Jodi - she must have visited the toilet five times that morning). Anyway, to make a long story short, this guy and I snuggled (my bridesmaid's dress still on) and well, he felt my boobs up. But I wouldn't let him kiss me.
Explaining this to my girlfriends was trying to say the least. All of them thought it was very backwards and made fun of what a first date would be like with me. "So, Carrie, would you just stick you chest out at the end of the date when you're saying good bye? What do you do when he leans over to kiss you? Grab his hands and let him do some honking?" So that's why I brought up Grosslinger. My boobs were being massaged and it felt nice, but to have a tongue in my mouth from a guy I just met that night was way to intimate for me.
Kissing... It's pretty intimate - facing someone, smelling their breath, pressing your face against theirs. In "Pretty Woman" (not a fan but it's a good example), a prostitute allows men to go in for home plate on the exception that there is no first base. She has her boundaries, yo. I doubt if many prostitutes kiss their clients - kissing is for the ones they love. I had a friend tell me about an experience he had in Las Vegas. Apparently, there are a few places, where a bunch of mobile home thingys are grouped together - kinda like a brothel on wheels. Ladies for hire have their own rooms - or maybe I should say offices - where they do business with their "Jons" or "Johns". His description gave me an image of a fuck factory. Girls show up for work, punch in their time cards, stock up on condoms and lobe, and prepare to spread, bend over, or gag. It didn't sound like there was much mood enhancement - no batting of the eyelashes or even an exchange of smiles. The girls' rooms have no velvet couches or heart-shaped vibrating beds. The personal effects in their offices/rooms are like what we have in our offices - a zen garden, some Simpson figurines, and taped up Dilbert cartoons. They are there for just straight up fucking - all in a day's work. But kissing... well, that's personal.
So if a professional doesn't even acknowledge first base, then how is it that we amateurs naturally conform to predetermined bases established in the ballgame of love? How did the kiss even appear? Who invented it? I sincerely doubt two people with mammoth foreheads locked eyes in a cave and started making out. There must have been some type of evolution over the centuries. A little nose nudging, some biting on the neck, and finally a tongue in the mouth - a foreign tongue that is. I'm sure there was other activity prior to the birth of the kiss. Dare I say that copulation happened before the kiss? Yes, I will go there. Kissing seems to be more enlightened. Kissing is more like art. Copulation has reproduction attached to it - a function necessary for the continuing of the races.
I doubt if I will have much luck changing the order of bases in the courting ritual. It's just something to ponder. I don't know how I will approach this situation on my next first date. It will, of course, depend on the situation and how drunk I am. Besides, I'm a good girl; I don't visit any bases on the first date...
So I think I have painted a decent picture of Grosslinger for you - if such a picture can be called decent. The guards like to play games, and you're their hockey puck, football, bowling pin etc. Okay, let me get to the hypothetical part of this whole entry. You are forced to make a decision: you either have to kiss Grosslinger with his tongue in your mouth or let him feel your boobies up with his hands that have really grimy junk under his fingernails. There is no other option - well, I guess death would be an option, but who knows what's on the other side of death.
Well, I have polled several of my friends with this hypothetical situation, and all have chosen to be felt up. Of course, they all think I'm a bit on the sadistic side for even thinking of this whole convoluted situation. But I do have a point that I'm making. How is it that kissing became first base and being felt up second?
This whole topic presented itself when I went to a wedding a few months ago. Weddings are a breeding ground for the "hook up". If you're single and fairly attractive, chances are you will hook up with another fairly attractive person at the wedding, especially if booze is involved. Baptist weddings are a whole other story and a boring story at best. You see, a similar situation occurred to me at a wedding, and I mean similar - not exact for crying out loud. This guy kinda attached himself to me, and I couldn't shake him. He was nice enough and okay looking (not Grosslinger) - I just wasn't all that interested. Somehow the guy ended up in my hotel room. I was drunk; everybody was drunk. There's really no need for further explanation - besides, my girlfriends were also in the hotel room passed out or throwing up (poor Jodi - she must have visited the toilet five times that morning). Anyway, to make a long story short, this guy and I snuggled (my bridesmaid's dress still on) and well, he felt my boobs up. But I wouldn't let him kiss me.
Explaining this to my girlfriends was trying to say the least. All of them thought it was very backwards and made fun of what a first date would be like with me. "So, Carrie, would you just stick you chest out at the end of the date when you're saying good bye? What do you do when he leans over to kiss you? Grab his hands and let him do some honking?" So that's why I brought up Grosslinger. My boobs were being massaged and it felt nice, but to have a tongue in my mouth from a guy I just met that night was way to intimate for me.
Kissing... It's pretty intimate - facing someone, smelling their breath, pressing your face against theirs. In "Pretty Woman" (not a fan but it's a good example), a prostitute allows men to go in for home plate on the exception that there is no first base. She has her boundaries, yo. I doubt if many prostitutes kiss their clients - kissing is for the ones they love. I had a friend tell me about an experience he had in Las Vegas. Apparently, there are a few places, where a bunch of mobile home thingys are grouped together - kinda like a brothel on wheels. Ladies for hire have their own rooms - or maybe I should say offices - where they do business with their "Jons" or "Johns". His description gave me an image of a fuck factory. Girls show up for work, punch in their time cards, stock up on condoms and lobe, and prepare to spread, bend over, or gag. It didn't sound like there was much mood enhancement - no batting of the eyelashes or even an exchange of smiles. The girls' rooms have no velvet couches or heart-shaped vibrating beds. The personal effects in their offices/rooms are like what we have in our offices - a zen garden, some Simpson figurines, and taped up Dilbert cartoons. They are there for just straight up fucking - all in a day's work. But kissing... well, that's personal.
So if a professional doesn't even acknowledge first base, then how is it that we amateurs naturally conform to predetermined bases established in the ballgame of love? How did the kiss even appear? Who invented it? I sincerely doubt two people with mammoth foreheads locked eyes in a cave and started making out. There must have been some type of evolution over the centuries. A little nose nudging, some biting on the neck, and finally a tongue in the mouth - a foreign tongue that is. I'm sure there was other activity prior to the birth of the kiss. Dare I say that copulation happened before the kiss? Yes, I will go there. Kissing seems to be more enlightened. Kissing is more like art. Copulation has reproduction attached to it - a function necessary for the continuing of the races.
I doubt if I will have much luck changing the order of bases in the courting ritual. It's just something to ponder. I don't know how I will approach this situation on my next first date. It will, of course, depend on the situation and how drunk I am. Besides, I'm a good girl; I don't visit any bases on the first date...
